Custard's Last Stand

I am 160 pounds. Seriously, I cannot believe it. I should be writing about my awesome new online mag, www.thefamilygroove.com—it is the hippest parents' place in cyberspace— or life with child, and instead the only thing on my mind is my flippin' weight. You know in the beginning of Janet's (Miss Jackson, if you're not groovy) "Control" how she says, "This is a story about control, my control...?" Well, dudes, this is a story about control, my control. The truth is that my whole hour-to-hour happiness flow is predicated not on my family's happiness—of that I am certain— and not on the success of my new business—of that I am certain, but on the size of my waist.

How did I become zaftig? When did my size four closet turn into a museum? Okay, I know the answers to these questions: 15 pounds of what I call my suburban sprawl (I moved to NJ three years ago and force-fed to numb the culture shock) and 30 pounds of baby weight minus not-so-much movement over the last sixteen months since my daughter was born equals dodging mirrors, ducking photos and one humugous dose of denial.

Okay, now the laundry list of excuses: work, I work all the time; self-sabatoge; no baby sitter; too tired; those cookies are yummy. The real reason: totally horrendous eating habits and no exercise—duh!

So tonight, here I am freshly into my thirties with lyrics from another theme song on the soundtrack of my life bouncing off the walls of my mind: "We're not gonna take it! NO! We ain't gonna take it!" I don't know who "we" is, but I am done. I am not gonna to take it. I am not going to suffer at the fate of my own hands anymore.

Enter: Ultra Fit's six week challenge. An easy-to-follow, lifestyle-friendly eating plan, three solo workouts a week with TFG's MILF (Mother in Love with Fitness) Lori Sawyer, www.ls-fitness.com, my guide on the road back to me.

Bye-bye cake, cookies, pizza, pasta, butter, burritos, chips and cheese (somehow that list makes me feel like Homer Simpson). Hello, clean eating, working out, drinking water and rockin' it groovy-style.

Think I can do it? Get the bi-weekly skinny on my losing battle as well as blog gabbin' about all the other goings-on in my 'hood.